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IFS View On Extreme Behaviours

Wed, 18 Feb 2026 14:03:44 GMT

Why 'Out of Control' Behaviours Make More Sense Than You Think

In this blog post we'll explore IFS therapy perspective on addiction, compulsion, and the cycle of shame which I have learnt in my training with Cece Sykes.

If you have you ever done something — eaten, drank, spent, raged, scrolled for hours — and immediately hated yourself for it and then done it again anyway: this post is for YOU!

What you're experiencing may be one of the most painful and misunderstood patterns in human psychology — and IFS therapy (Internal Family Systems) offers a surprisingly compassionate explanation for why it keeps happening.

It's not a lack of willpower

When we find ourselves caught in 'addictive' or compulsive cycles — whether that's rage, binge eating, self-harm, substance use, or compulsive scrolling — it can feel as though we're being taken over by a force we simply cannot stop. In IFS therapy, we'd describe this as being 'blended' with an extreme part of ourselves — what IFS calls a firefighter . These are the parts that react fast and hard when emotional pain threatens to break through. Their only goal is to get you relief. Now. Whatever it takes. And here's what makes this framework different from how we usually talk about these behaviours: IFS therapy doesn't see these parts as the problem . It sees them as desperate protectors — doing the only thing they know how to do to keep you safe from feelings that feel unbearable.

The tug-of-war inside

When an extreme firefighter takes over, something else usually follows: shame. And with shame often comes a fierce inner voice determined to get back in control. In IFS therapy, we call these voices managers — the parts of us that work hard to maintain a sense of order and self-image. They push for self-discipline, self-improvement, and 'being good'. They're often the reason you promise yourself: 'never again.' The trouble is, managers and firefighters are caught in a cycle that feeds itself:

Managers push hard for control and self-improvement→ This builds pressure, and buried emotional pain (what IFS calls exiled feelings) gets closer to the surface→ Firefighters react with extreme behaviours to douse that pain→ This creates shame and self-blame

→ Managers crack down harder in response→ And the cycle continues...

[The diagram at the top of the page illustrates this cycle visually ]

The parts we don't want to know about: the exiles

Underneath this tug-of-war are the parts IFS calls exiles — the most vulnerable parts of us, often carrying very old feelings: aloneness, shame, despair, the sense of being fundamentally unlovable or unseen.

These exiled feelings don't disappear just because managers work hard to prevent them. Life has a way of triggering them — in relationships, at work, in quiet moments we weren't expecting. And when they surface, firefighters rush in.

The painful irony is this: the shame that follows a firefighter's actions — from ourselves and often from people around us — adds to the burden the exile is already carrying . Which makes the exile more raw, more easily triggered. Which makes the whole cycle more likely to repeat.

IFS therapy doesn't take sides

Most approaches to addictive or compulsive behaviour — and many therapists — end up working with the inner manager: supporting self-control, building new habits, encouraging the client to 'do better'. IFS therapy takes a different position. It doesn't take sides.

While it absolutely acknowledges the manager's legitimate fears about the impact of extreme behaviours, IFS is equally curious about the positive intention behind the firefighter's actions. What pain is this part trying to relieve? What would happen if it stopped? What does it need to know before it can soften? This isn't about excusing harmful behaviour; it's about understanding it deeply enough to actually change it, rather than just suppressing it until the pressure builds again.

What healing actually looks like

The aim of IFS therapy in this kind of work is to gradually slow down and eventually reverse the cycle — not by strengthening the manager's grip, but by bringing genuine care and curiosity to all the inner players involved. When extreme firefighters feel understood — rather than shamed or eliminated — they don't need to work so hard. When exiled feelings are finally witnessed and held with compassion (what IFS calls unburdening ), they lose their desperate urgency. And when managers no longer need to brace for disaster, they can finally relax. What emerges from this process is something IFS calls Self-led living : a calmer, more grounded way of being in the world, where you have genuine choice in how you respond — rather than being hijacked by parts trying to survive.

Does this resonate?

If you recognise yourself in this cycle — if part of you wants to stop, and another part simply can't — it might be worth exploring what your system is actually trying to protect you from.

IFS therapy can help you do exactly that, with curiosity rather than judgement. If you'd like to find out more about working together, feel free to get in touch.

You can also watch lead IFS trainer Cece Sykes explain this process in her workshop on IFS and addictive processes —the video available on the main IFS therapy page of this website.

Healing Moral Injury

Sat, 02 Mar 2024 11:41:56 GMT

Solidarity & Moral Injury

I have been hesitant to use my professional site to share these thoughts and resources. However, I know I am not alone in feeling deeply affected by the unimaginable trauma and loss endured on a daily basis by thousands of men, women and children in Gaza.

American academic, Dr. Schwalbe, whose short article you can read here , speaks of how the psychological impact of witnessing this unspeakable and preventable massacre, can, for some, amount to 'moral injury'. He also suggests what may support healing:

'To be morally injured is to lose faith in humanity. This is part of the damage caused by witnessing genocide. The best healing response is to join with others to try to stop it. Succeed or fail, we must do this to keep faith in ourselves and in the possibility of making the world a better place.'

Many stand in solidarity with the Palestinian people and have been calling for a stop to the carnage, including prominent jewish commentators in Israel and beyond. One of these is Dr. Gabor Mate, who will be familiar to many of us interested in trauma-informed therapy. You can listen to a recent conversation with Gabor Mate and his son about navigating difficult conversations:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fx2UMNNV6jk

While, of course, there are complexities, there is also an urgent need to stop the catastrophic bloodshed. If you are a mental health professional and are interested to add your voice, you can check out

https://ipmhn.com/international-networks/

https://ukpalmhn.com/

For emergency actions for Palestine around Ireland, you can refer to the Ireland Palestine Solidarity Campaign https://www.ipsc.ie/

The Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions (BDS) movement works to end international support for Israel's oppression of Palestinians and pressure Israel to comply with international law.

https://bdsmovement.net/

In solidarity,

Valerie

What if IFS UNBURDENING becomes a BURDEN?

Fri, 08 Dec 2023 13:45:02 GMT

What if you really like IFS therapy but you're not getting to the 'BIG UNBURDENING' parts of you were waiting for...

IFS therapy offers a hopeful and non-pathologising framework for nurturing self-understanding and self-compassion. Schwartz often refers to himself as a 'hope merchant' and encourages his students to borrow his confidence in the model.

Yet, when 'IFS therapist's parts' work hard at 'hope merchanting', asking nicely for protectors to step back and negotiating with them in order to reach the exiles, it's not unusual to get quite a lot of push back! AND We really have no choice BUT respect protectors, whether their good intentions are clear to us or not. In fact, hope may not be something that protectors want to buy when the system's hopes have been dashed so many times before.

Indeed, pushing the hope agenda has often a lot to do with the understanding that in order for the system to heal we need to get to the exiles and unburden them. This may create pressure in the system and intensify an inner polarity between eager parts who desperately want us to heal deeper wounds once and for all, and more cautious ones who have ensured our survival through numbing, avoidance, distraction or fighting . Change feels like too big a risk and 'healing', a luxury we can't afford!

When we get stuck in this inner conflict, our wounded parts can end up feeling even more broken, deficient and ashamed : 'If IFS therapy is so great and everybody else gets better fast, there must be something so very wrong with me if I don't!'

Especially when it comes to complex, relational injury and attachment wounds, it can be counterproductive and potentially re-traumatising when well-meaning manager parts (not only in the client, but also in the therapist) 'push' for the type of capital U 'unburdening' (another IFS term I am not particularly fond of) we may have seen in Dick Schwarz's demonstrations. Unburdening does not have to be a BIG event, it may be a subtle and gradual release, it does not necessarily need to follow the IFS steps and can vary greatly from system to system.

Healing is an ongoing, often non-linear process which requires patience, perseverance and, importantly, a supportive context. Trust may need to be earned over time: both internally - the trust between parts carrying or protecting wounds and our undamaged, healing core (Self) - and inter-personally, within and beyond the therapeutic relationship.

If traditional IFS protocols don't work for you and you wish you to explore a more OPEN, integrative and relational approach of IFS, feel free to visit Crea Counselling OPEN IFS page

IFS- healing our young parts

Wed, 15 Mar 2023 13:52:54 GMT

Dr Frank Anderson's explains the IFS process for healing our wounded inner children

In this 6 mins. video, Dr. Frank Anderson, IFS lead trainer and trauma expert, describes three main steps for healing attachment wounds . It draws on the IFS therapy understanding that often young parts of us hold extreme beliefs, memories, feelings and sensations (which IFS calls 'burdens') linked to being unsafe or unseen growing up, Bringing our compassionate awareness (Self energy, in IFS language) to these inner children and meeting their unmet needs 'in our minds', we use the neuroplastic power of the imagination to help them release past burdens and find a safe and loving home inside of us.

Here are the steps that Frank identifies:

1.Witnessing is about listening to the stories/memories that these inner children hold, but, above all, it is about connecting empathically to the feelings and sensations that they communicate through the body.

2. Corrective experience : In step 2. we deepen our connection by attuning to the part's unmet needs. Can we be there for them and love them in the way they needed to be but never were? How often do we need to check in with them?

3. Releasing and transformation : Once these inner children feel seen, heard and known, once they are given what they needed but never got, they can start releasing the extreme negative beliefs/feelings and sensations they had been carrying. This is known in IFS as 'unburdening' which Anderson speaks of as a 'transfer of energy' which is physiologically felt.

For the IFS sceptics...

While this makes intuitive sense to a lot of people, it may not to others. Not everyone relates to the notion of parts, and even less to that of having 'inner children' (some may object that caring for their outer children is enough!) Most of us, however, can relate to a sense that there is some vulnerability in us ( ways in which we feel small or powerless in different situations - what IFS calls 'exiled parts') and that we all develop ways to either prevent or defend this vulnerability (what IFS calls 'protectors').

In essence, healing in IFS can be understood as the process of connecting with our hurt or vulnerability from a strong and compassionate place inside our minds and bodies (our Self) . We may do so through sensations, feelings, beliefs and memories (witnessing). When we no longer fear being overwhelmed by our vulnerability, we are not compelled to avoid it or punish it. We can feel safer within ourselves (what IFS may call 'being self-led') and have more choice about the best way to respond (rather than impulsively react) to challenges.

This all sounds good in theory but when we have had a lot of overwhelmingly painful experiences, it may be hard to believe we can ever feel safer and more connected to ourselves and others. Even hoping that this may be possible can feel threatening, when our hopes have been dashed so many times before.

I am a trained IFS therapist but I'm not a fan of the way IFS is sometimes presented as 'the thing', some sort of highway to 'fast and permanent healing.' My impression is that this has created unrealistic expectations which can leave trauma survivors and their wounded parts feeling even more broken, deficient and ashamed : 'If IFS therapy is so great and everybody else gets better fast, there must be something very wrong with me if I don't!'

When it comes to complex, relational trauma, healing our vulnerability and hurt is an ongoing process which requires patience and may happen in a gradual and non-linear way. Trust needs to be earned over time: both internally - i.e. the trust between the parts carrying or protecting wounds and our undamaged, healing core (Self) - and interpersonally, within the therapeutic relationship and beyond. Trying to speed things up and get to a big cathartic unburdening (another IFS I am not enamoured with) can be counterproductive. Ask your 'IFS therapy resistant' parts...they'll tell you all about it!

Short Fire Drill - IFS therapy Meditation

Wed, 04 Jan 2023 18:31:45 GMT

Think of a person who consistently triggers you...

Fire Drill Meditation Script

I want you to start by thinking of a person in your life (past or present)

who really triggers you. Maybe they make you angry or sad, or maybe

they’re somebody you closed your heart to at some point.

In your mind’s eye, put that person in a room by themselves so

that they’re contained and can’t get out right now. Now look at the

person through some kind of window, and while you watch the person

from outside—from the safety of not being in that room—have them

do or say the things that upset you, and notice what happens in your

body and your mind as your protector jumps in. That is, notice what

your protector does to your muscles, to your heart, and feel what kind

of impulses you have. Check out your breathing too. We’re just

noticing the impact of a protective part on your body and mind.

Now take another look at the person from this place and get a

sense of how they look to you through the eyes of this protector.

Reassure your protector that you’re not going to go into that room, so

it can stand down a little. See if it’s willing to separate its energy from

you, because you’re not going to put yourself in jeopardy right now.

And if it’s willing to pull its energy out of you, you’ll notice a

palpable shift in your body and your mind as that happens.

What are your muscles like now? What’s your heart like? Your

breathing? Also pay attention to what’s going on in your mind. And

then take another look at the person in the room to see if they appear

any differently. What does the person look like now?

Then focus again on the protector who jumps up when you focus

on this person. See if you can become curious about it now that it’s

separated from you a little more. And if you can, ask the protector

why it feels such a need to become so strong with this person. What’s

it afraid would happen if it didn’t do that for you?

In answering that question, it’s likely that it told you about

vulnerable parts that it protects, so see if you can show appreciation to

it for working so hard to try to keep those parts of you safe. See how it

reacts to your appreciation. Ask it if you could heal those parts so they

weren’t so vulnerable to this person, would it have to be so involved

in protecting them? What might it like to do instead inside of you?

We’re not going to go into the room holding that triggering person

in this exercise. However, I want you to get a sense of what it would

be like if you did. If you entered that room feeling more Self-led, what

might that look like? How would it play out in terms of how you

would relate to this person?

If that’s difficult to imagine, it might be because your protector

still doesn’t trust that it’s safe to let you do that. If you do have a sense

of how different the experience would be, convey that to the protector

and ask what it would take for that part to trust you to lead with

triggering people like this one. And if it’s still afraid to trust you, ask

for more information about that.

When the time feels right, thank this part for whatever it did.

Show it appreciation for whatever it allowed you to do or let you

know. Finally, begin to shift your focus back outside, and take deep

breaths if that helps.

from 'No Bad Parts' ( 2021) by Richard Schwartz, Developer of IFS therapy

Path Meditation- IFS therapy

Wed, 08 Jun 2022 08:06:40 GMT

The path meditation

In this deeply relaxing meditation, Dr. Richard Schwartz guides listeners through The Path exercise where they take a journey without their parts in order to learn about Self Leadership. This exercise is designed to create awareness about Self and the needs of parts, both specific and in general.

TRANSCRIPT

I'm going to invite you to try an exercise we call the path exercise.

The goal of it is to give you more of a felt sense of what I'm talking about terms of Self and Self energy.

Get comfortable. Take deep breaths if that helps.

And in your mind's eye put yourself at the base of a path. It could be one you've already been on or it could be a path that's totally new to you.

Then there at the base meet with your parts ask them just for a little while, if they'd be willing to wait there at the base for you and let you go on this brief journey by yourself.

Just notice how they react to that idea. You could try to see if those who are afraid could be comforted by those who are not. And let them all know that you won't be gone long and this would be good for them, and for you, but they don't have to let you do it if they're not ready to.

And sometimes it just depends on the day. Some days they're okay with it and some days they're not up for it and that's natural.

If they're not up for it and don't do it, you can spend the time just getting to know them better and their fears about letting you try this.

But if they are up for it then go ahead and head out on the path reminding them that you will be back soon.

At different points I'll pause and ask you to notice certain things as you go.

But for now just head out on the path. PAUSE

So now I'm going to invite you to just notice what's happening as you continue on the path.

In particular if you're thinking anything at all, if you are thinking means that there's still some parts with you, and you can see if they also would be willing to separate and go back with the others.

And if not, what's their fear?

You can also scan your body for anything that doesn't feel quite like you, your pure Self.

If you find anything that also is likely to be a part, you can ask it also to return to the base.

And if they're willing to, then you'll gradually notice these shifts toward more and more self energy.

If they're not willing to, that's fine.

You can just spend the time getting to know their fears. PAUSE

And also if at any point you find yourself watching yourself taking this journey, then it means there's a part trying to do it for you, because who is it that's watching?

So if that’s true, you can ask that part to go to the base too. So that you're on the path, you don't see yourself.

You see your surroundings, but you are just on the path. PAUSE

If they're really trusting and they're letting you do this, by now you should be experiencing some of those qualities we’ve been talking about, in the absence of thought - spaciousness, present centeredness, sense of well-being, being in your body, confidence, clarity, connectedness.

So if you're not feeling some of those things it means there are parts still with you.

And you can scan your body and your mind. See if you can find those parts and see if they also would go back to the base.

One of the things I like about this exercise is it often it helps you find the parts of you you're most identified with and you don't really notice because they feel like you.

I also notice this vibrating energy running through your body that we've been talking about and we call Self energy.

If that's true you can kind of invite it. Really fill your body, and run through your body.

If there are places in your body where you sense that it seems not to be able to move through, that's another tip-off that it's likely there's a part there blocking. You can see if that part also is willing to go back. PAUSE

At some point you might want to pause and take in this experience. Just notice what it's like to be in this much Self.

Notice how you can tell that's where you are. PAUSE

It's important to remember these markers so that as you go through your day you can tell how much you are here or that your parts are running things.

For me I'm often checking how open my heart is, if I have some kind of big agenda, if I'm thinking a lot, if there's pressure in my shoulders and in my forehead which is where my managers hang out.

If I touch any of those parts then I just ask them to relax and in a sense go back to the base and wait for me to handle whatever I'm facing, to trust me.

And some of them need to give me some advice before they do step back, which is fine.

By now you are feeling a lot of this Self energy, a lot of embodiment.

You have the option of inviting any messages from the universe.

Maybe nothing comes, which is fine. Sometimes people get some clear guidance at a point like this. LONG PAUSE

So now I'm going to invite you to head back toward the base, whatever pace feels right.

When you get back to your parts just see how they react to your return and, thank him for whatever degree they took this risk and let you do this. PAUSE

And ask what it's been like for them to let you do this, and whether or not they'd be up for letting you try it again sometime. PAUSE

I just remind them once again that the you who is with them now, can help them, and that your goal is to earn their trust.

And if any of them haven't trusted you for reasons, you're open to knowing about that and making repair.

And if you're still holding any of this tingling self energy, you can extend it to them.

You'll find that you can actually direct it to parts and to people, and it's a very healing energy. I extend it to my clients when I'm working with them.

If you're able to do that, just notice how your parts react to that.

When all that feels complete, the time feels right, thank them once again for whatever parts allowed and begin shifting your focus back outside.

Once again see how possible it is to hold some of this Self state even as you open your eyes and come back.

[Bell]

So we call that the path exercise. And some people don't get very far in terms of the parts allowing them to go on the path. It's very productive to just learn about why, why they don't trust that that's safe, and work with their fears.

If parts are willing to wait, pretty universally people have some of these experiences that I was describing as we went including that energy I've hinted at throughout the course.

Which again, other systems have other names for whether it's prana or chi. We just call it self energy, and it does seem to come spontaneously once your parts let you be fully present.

And I do find that just by little intention it can be directed in different directions.

That is as I said a healing energy I don't extend it to people unless I know that it's welcome, that my self energy is welcome to them.

But I do encourage people to extend it to their parts whether or not the part has agreed to it because they just seem to love it.

And then there was that point where I invited you to ask for any messages and it's not uncommon that nothing happens but sometimes people get very clear guidance about their lives or about how to work with their parts more or their relationships, or sometimes they just get a kind of warmth, comforting sense they're not alone. That's also useful to bring back to the parts.

Whatever information that you got to share with them one of the things I love about this exercise is as you go it kind of forces you to notice parts that you wouldn't notice otherwise.

That’s really important because they we all have parts that we used to call pseudo Self parts because they would think they were us they would pretend to be us. And so because they believe that they're you, and you're so used to them being in lead with other people, it's really hard to spot them.

They usually come to the surface in this exercise. We don't call them pseudo Self parts anymore because I don't like that name. They much prefer self-like parts so that's what we call them now. But most of us have those parts. They try their best but usually they have some kind of an agenda that self wouldn't have that's protective.

And that was that point while you're on the path that I asked you if you wanted to pause and invite any messages or guidance and if something did come and you might want to share that with your parts, and just see how they react.

and some of them might be afraid of the message and you can let them know that you get that and you're not going to act on it immediately.

And you work with their fears and some of them might be excited about it.

I have a technique we call the conference table where you sit down with all the parts who invested in some issue and then how about kind of a board meeting and you're the chair and you hold up whatever vision it is and you get their feedback and then you can negotiate as they share their concerns or until there can be a kind of shared vision among the parts and you about going forward and then as you go forward the ones who objected different points you just remind them that they bought into this and as if it was a scared child and then you'll continue to work with their fears but you're also gonna pursue this vision that everyone agreed on.

A shorter version of this IFS therapy meditation (with clearer audio) is available here

Inviting a Part to speak- meditation

Tue, 18 Jan 2022 08:26:51 GMT

A simple guided meditation to help us listen inside.

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Getting started with IFS therapy

Wed, 05 Jan 2022 14:16:12 GMT

The developer of the Internal Family Systems therapy, Richard Schwartz, gives an overview of the model.

What is IFS

IFS is a model of the mind and a therapeutic modality for healing.

The IFS model says that the mind is multiple, rather than one – that we have different “parts” of ourselves with different needs, desires, patterns, personalities, and gifts. We can learn to make contact with these parts, have conversations to learn about them and help them heal.

To learn more about Internal Family Systems therapy go to IFS therapy page

Getting Started With IFS

Getting started with IFS can be as simple as bringing up something you’re thinking or feeling a lot about, and asking what different parts of you think about it. For example, you might be in a difficult situation at work, and part of you feels frustrated with a colleague, while part of you feels sad and abandoned because it’s reminded of a similar situation in your childhood.

Once you’ve identified different parts that are feeling things about the situation, you can choose one to work with and begin to have a conversation with it. What is that part of you thinking or feeling? Where did it come from? What does it need from you?

There is a lot more nuance to this method, but it can also be this simple: noticing that there are different parts of you, and having a dialogue with those parts. While it’s best to try with a therapist or someone who’s familiar with IFS, it’s also something you can try on your own.